Hidan's Dating Service
by Axel'sWaterBaby
Summary: All Hidan wanted was some peace and quiet, but of course that's impossible when you are surrounded by horny idiots. Warning: Yaoi, references to alcohol, and cursing. Cause it's Hidan ;D
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto, if I did, Sakura would be able to kick ass _all the time_.

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Hidan sighed angrily and boredly, as he watched Kazuku and Zetsu arguing...again. I The money obsessed Akatsuki member was upset because Zetsu had not paid him back yet. The thing was that Zetsu had been a bit short on cash (Fertilizer prizes had gone up by an incredible amount in this rough economy), and since Kazuku had such a huge heart (Cough, Cough), he had lent him some.

But of course even though he just borrowed it this morning, Kazuku wanted it back. If Hidan didn't know any better, he would have sworn to Jashin-sama that one of Kazuku's hearts must have been made of greed. Or the person it belonged to before must have been Jewish. Either way...

Hidan didn't even know why the green ninja needed to buy fertilizer (or for what purpose that fucking shit had; perhaps Zetsu used it to... satisfy his plantly needs?) as he had previously offered to... provide the "stuff" for Zetsu. Just the thought of Zetsu's face brought a smile to Hidan's, especially since he was so sure that the plant-man didn't even possess emotions.

The best part about this whole thing was defintely the over the top reaction that Kazuku had to the loss of his money. Particularly because the money that Zetsu owed Kazuku was only about fifty cents.

FIFTY FUCKING CENTS!

Even the littlest amount of money seemed to set Kazuku off, making most of the other members of the Akatsuki seriously considered giving the sunglass-nin addiction therapy for Christmas. Or whatever holdiay ninjas celebrated. Looking at the clock, Hidan internally and externally cursed when he saw that it was almost one in the morning. The time was still relatively early for him, but he was fucking tired, and after listening to bitchy and bitchier bitch today, he wanted his goddamned peace and quiet.

He swore to Jashin-sama, that the next bastard that asked something of him would get skewered. If he was fucking lucky.

Hidan was so fucking tired, that he just wanted to sleep and get the image of his partner and the plant whisperer do their weird ass courtship out of his head. That's where the images of blood, decapitated corpses, and Asian porn belonged.

And what the two of them were doing, that weird will-they, won't-they dance, was so fucking obvious, that it actually pained Hidan to think about it. Literally, he felt a stabbing pain in his eye (not that it was unwelcomed or anything...). Everyone just knew that those two wanted to fuck each other into the ground, despite the mind altering images that it invoked. And he had been the unwilling witness to almost all of the creepiness.

Hell, he had seen the photo that Kazuku kept in his pocket on missions that he took out whenever he thought he was "alone". Half of Hidan really wanted to know where Kazuku got a half naked picture of Zetsu, but the other half wanted to drink a fucking bottle of bleach to erase all memory of seeing that photo. Hidan had even realized that the creeper had a little (Hidan felt retarded for even thinking this, but) a _crush _on his partner.

He felt nasty for even thinking that.

But yeah, Zetsu made it so obvious, that flowers literally started popping out of the ground whenever he was near Kazuku. Fluffy, pink flowers.

Hidan felt like the most masculine person in the Akatsuki.

And how how could he not? Looking around, Hidan saw his fellow Akatsuki members acting in ways that frankly, made him want to tear their eyes out and eat them. There was Konan teaching Deidara about origami...wait what? Konan, the fucking ice princess of the Akatsuki, was hanging out with Mr.-I-don't-know-shit out of her own free will?

Had the world gone to shit?

Toby was in the corner, creating finger paintings and talking to himself, all the while staring at Konan's boobs. Or, Hidan thought it was Konan's boobs, but with these coats, it was so hard to tell. Pein and Sasori had already been gone for two days on a diplomatic mission to Cloud (cause the Akatsuki were awesome with diplomatic measures), making Hidan question why the giant puppet man was chosen. He was fucking terrifying.

Itachi and Kisame were in the corner, playing chess, and glaring at the escalating fight between Kazuku and Zetsu. If Hidan didn't know any better, he'd say that the usually stoic nins were actually showing emotions.

Bull.

But maybe Uchiha and Kisame had the right idea, it was getting late, and Hidan was exhausted. All he needed, was to make the two of them shut the hell up...possibly killing two birds with one stone.

The wheels in Hidan's head started turning, and soon enough, the Jashinist had a plan, making his eyes light up with a mischievous twinkle. Oh this would be the shit. But if it all went wrong he needed an escape plan, one that would make it look like smoke was coming out of his fucking ass because he was going that fucking fast.

Slowly getting up, the silver-haired man moved towards Kazuku and Zetsu, who were still absorbed in their quarrel. Quickly calculating the amount of time he would need to escape if he went through with his plan, Hidan decided to screw the risks, and just go for it. Maneuvering himself so that he was behind Kazuku, who was closest to the door, Hidan began to speak.

"Jashin dammit! Hey pansies, do us all a favor and fuck," Hidan yelled as he pushed Kazuku onto Zetsu. "Maybe then you'll finally each grow a pair. Hell, you do that and I'll pay your goddamned money."

The force of Hidan's push caused Kazuku to lose his balance, and fall on top of Zetsu. With his legs stradling the plant-man. And their lips touching.

Ah, dammit.

Kazuku started to move away from Zetsu's body, but a hand a the small of his back prevented him from doing so.

"No. _No._ I have waited far to long for you to back out now Kazu-kun." Zetsu said huskily, lust seeping into his tone as he reversed their positions and pulling away, just to smash his lips back together with Kazuku's. Hidan smirked as he heard Kazuku moan into the kiss, it was sort of amazing that such a fugly man like his partner could make those sounds. Hell, maybe now he would be able to get some goddamned peace too.

Quickly looking at Itachi and Kisame, Hidan saw them both wearing looks of surprise, or at least Kisame was. Apparently, Itachi fucking Uchiha does not have emotions. Konan and Deidara, who were so absorbed in what they were doing, only looked up when Kazuku moaned again, and upon seeing their fellow Akatsuki members getting it on, both proceeded to blush. Tobi was clapping and applauding both of the men, while jumping around asking if he could plan their wedding. Hidan didn't even want to think of those two dipshits getting married. Turning away, he saw Itachi glare at him slightly and heard Kisame mumble.

Shit, Kisame was right. He would never be able to get the sickening sight of the plant man and his partner making out on the floor of the Akatsuki meeting room out of his head. One thing was for fucking sure though, no one could ever say he didn't look out for his partner again.

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**A/N**: I just wanted to write a fic from Hidan's point of view, because he's my one of my favorite characters. Always shouting about his religion. Since this is my first posting, I'd like some feedback to help me improve. I was thinking about turning this into a multi-chapter fic, so any help would be nice. Till later, ciao

**11/1/10: **Heh, just looking over the story and revising it. It's amazing how I used to write, and I like to think that I've improved dramatically in such a small amount of time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, because if I did there would proof that Gai is the father of Rock Lee. (You know it HAS to be true)

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Hidan sighed. That seemed to be happening more often lately. Standing outside the room that he shared with his partner Hidan could hear the distinct sounds of Kazuku moaning. Ever since those two had hooked up, they had been going at it everywhere. The kitchen, the garden, the meeting room, and Tobi's room were some of their favorite places (Yes, Tobi walked in on them. Yes, he was scarred forever. No, that did not stop Zetsu and Kazuku from fucking each other in Tobi's room.) Hidan swore to Jashin that those two were just doing it in HIS room to spite his pure soul. Kazuku had not taken kindly to Hidan's...unique form of help in getting their relationship started. Ever since then, Kazuku had been trying to get revenge on Hidan. Hidan thought that the little pansy was way out of his league. Hidan was a master prankster, he and Deidara were the ones who created The Great Costume Change. All of the Akatsuki members had pink dyed coats with shiny silver clouds for weeks.

Back to Hidan's predicament, he needed a corpse from his room, and he didn't want to be mentally scarred like Tobi. Wait a fucking minute. That was it. Hidan needed to find Tobi and ask him to get him the corpse. He needed that for a tribute to Jashin dammit. First off he needed to find that little dip shit. Walking towards the masked Akatsuki member's room, Hidan lost himself in thought. The little dickweed was a lot quieter these days, even before he walked in on the rabid fucking bunnies ( Yes, everyone was calling them that, even Pein). He was talking to Konan more and more recently. Konan was a stuck-up, prissy bitch to everyone besides Pein (He is the leader....), Deidara (Her Barbie doll, he let her do anything to him, and yes the nickname caught on), Tobi (Konan said that he reminded her of her little brother.) and surprisingly enough Sasori. Hidan didn't even wanna ponder that one.

Hidan was getting off topic though. Looking at his watch he saw that the big scythe was pointing to nine, and the smaller scythe was pointing to the six. Nine-thirty. Shit. He needed that corpse now! Stomping towards Tobi room, Hidan caught a sight of Sasori and Itachi drinking in the Living room. Hidan looked at the former Uchiha heir and saw that he was pouting. Or brooding as Itachi likes to call it (Uchiha fucking Itachi does not pout). Sasori was downing another drink, looking not the least bit drunk. Peeping in, Hidan could see Pein passed out in the corner. What a fucking lightweight. Hidan expected better from the leader of the Akatsuki. Konan and Kisame would normally be there, because most of the Akatsuki spent their nights getting drunk, but they were on a mission to the Earth nation. It seems like a shitty idea to send the fish to the desert, but Hidan had given up trying to understand what the fuck went through their leader's head. Hidan and Itachi locked eyes , and Hidan had to admire the Uchiha's eyes, before breaking contact a minute later.

Dammit, Hidan was getting off topic again. Ignoring Sasori's drunken shouts for him to join them, he once again began his way towards Tobi's room. Speaking of his retarded fellow Akatsuki member, Hidan could not remember the last time he had seen him. Fuck. Hidan hated this goddamned maze that they lived in. It was to hard for the actual members to locate anything unless they were a fucking psychic, or not human (Dammit, that was actually like half of the members). Finally, Hidan found Tobi's room. Not even bothering to knock, Hidan burst into the room.

"Hey ass-hat, I need you to do me a favor, you little fucktard. I need-," Hidan cut off, taking in the sight before him. Holy shit. Never actually being in Tobi's room before, he hadn't known what to expect, but he sure of hell wasn't this piece of shit. All over the walls were pictures of Deidara, either half naked or posing promiscuously, (Now Hidan knew why Konan liked to play dress-up with Deidara). On the bed was a giant comforter with Deidara's face on it. The bed also had a few plushies, either shaped like Deidara, or that annoying bird sculpture that the blond dipshit liked so much. All of that was bad, but there was something that took the cake. Tobi, fully clothed in a shirt and pants with Deidara's face on them, was actually praying right below a giant portrait of Deidara, with the sound of Deidara talking coming through a speaker behind the portrait, and responding to everything that Tobi was saying. Tobi, finally realizing that Hidan was there, turned around and stared at Hidan wide-eyed.

"H-Hidan, Tobi didn't here you come in. W-What was it that you needed, sempai?"Tobi said stuttering and probably blushing in embarrassment, (Hidan couldn't tell with that fucking ridiculous mask on).Tobi started spazzing, like the fucktard that he was, when he realized that Hidan was actually in his room, (Hidan would probably spaz too if he was worshiping Deidara and Jashin himself walked in on him. Yes, Hidan thought that him walking in on Tobi was on par with Jashin walking in on him.).

"You have got to be shitting me kid," Hidan said looking around one last time before smirking an idea completely formed in his head. "I can't wait to see what Deidara thinks about you acting like he's fucking Jashin himself. He'll probably get a kick out of it."Hidan watched as Tobi became still, his mind registering Hidan's words. Before Tobi could say something though, Hidan left, not even closing the door.

Quickly running towards Deidara's room, Hidan heard Tobi following him. Running past the other members of the Akatsuki, he saw their faces and Jashin dammit, he would fucking die if he could see that expression on Sasori and Pein (who had woken up) faces' again. All of their expressions, (except for Uchiha fucking Itachi because, as we know he has no emotions), were so fucking funny when they saw what Tobi was wearing, that he would do anything to see them again. Hidan couldn't help let out a maniacal laugh at Tobi's expense. That little idiot would never be able to show his masked face again. Hidan cursed as Tobi began to close the distance between them. He needed to get to Deidara's room soon. At last, Hidan saw the clay-man's room. The door was closed, and instead of stopping Hidan ran through it. When Hidan saw what was inside it though, he wished he hadn't.

Inside of his room, Deidara was making a sculptor. Now that wasn't a very uncommon sight, what the sculptor looked like was the fucking creepy part. Hidan felt Tobi crash into his back, and he heard Tobi gasped when he saw the statue (Yes, it was that fucking gross and shit-spewingly disgusting.) The statue was a three-foot replica of Tobi. That by itself was creepy, but no it just had to get a lot fucking worse. The statue was of Tobi, naked. With absolutely no clothing on except the mask that he always wore. Deidara's face was beet-red when Hidan looked back at him. Oh this was fucking rich. So these to pansies also wanted to fuck each other? Hidan smirked when Deidara looked over Tobi, who was still wearing those ridiculous clothes. Finally, Tobi broke the silence.

"W-W-Why are you sculpting Tobi, Deidara-sempai?" Tobi asked stuttering in embarrassment. Even Hidan had to admit that the sight was oddly cute, (And let me tell you that is saying a fucking lot). After fighting his blush down, Deidara responded to Tobi's innocent question.

"N-No reason Idiot, yeah. There was just nothing else that I could think of sculpting, yeah. It's nothing personal, yeah." Deidara said, keeping his tone even. Hidan frowned as he watched Tobi deflate, even he thought that was a little harsh. It was fucking obvious that those two wanted to fuck each other, and Hidan knew that he couldn't handle another Kazuku and Zetsu experience. Maybe they needed a little help? Hidan would make sure that those two hooked up right now.

"Now blondie," Hidan said, as he stepped closer to Deidara and Tobi, who were only about a foot away from each other now, "It looks pretty personal to me. You are carving out another man's body for Jashin's sake. Don't give me any of that 'it's an artist thing' bullshit either. Obviously you like the feel of Tobi's-" Hidan said before Deidara took a swing at him. Total idiot. Hidan grabbed Deidara and through him onto Tobi. Tobi's mask moved slightly with the impact so that his mouth was now shown. He exhaled because of the weight on top of him. Tobi looked up and saw Deidara over him, with a strange look on his face. Before Tobi knew it, Deidara pounced and claimed Tobi's mouth. Tobi gasped and Deidara pulled away, a smile on his lips. That smile didn't stay there for long, because Tobi crashed his and Deidara's lips together again. Hidan sighed as he thought of how similar this was to a few weeks ago, when he did this to Zetsu and Kazuku. Hidan flinched slightly when he heard the rustling of clothes. That's where he drew the line. He would not watch that shit. Leaving Deidara's room, Hidan headed back towards his own room, when something dawned on him. He still needed to get that goddamned corpse from his room!

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**A/N: **Okay so that's chapter two to Hidan's Dating Service. Sorry about the lack of consistent length, there's just a lot more that I can do with Tobi. He's so cute and fluffy. Like a puppy. And for the ending, that is the closest I will go to writing a lemon. I think it's akward to write one, but props to anyone who can. Like before, I would enjoy and criticism or praise that you have. Anything to help me improve as a writer. I'm also taking recommendations for pairings. I may or may not do them, but I would like to thank everyone for reading this fic, and until later, adios!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, because if I did Shikamaru would be the next Hokage. Believe it!!!

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Hidan swore, moving out of the way of the exploding statue at his feet. Fucking Barbie doll. Hidan found it ridiculous that everyone got pissed off at him, when he dedicated his precious, precious time to helping his colleagues. Sure, Hidan might have let it slip to everyone what Deidara does in his free time over drinks a few days ago, but that didn't mean that the prissy dumbass had the right to fucking blow him up. Or, it might have been the fact that he told everyone what the dickweed did in his spare time. Seriously, Hidan still laughed whenever he thought about Tobi praying to a half-naked Deidara, (The only person who didn't laugh was Itachi, and that was because, as we all know Uchiha fucking Itachi does not have emotions). Anyways, the blond bimbo had become overly protective of the masked man, and had sworn revenge on the, (in Hidan's opinion), better looking Akatsuki member. So now Hidan had to deal with things exploding all around him, and Kazuku's pitiful attempts at 'revenge' on him. Jashin himself would not be able to put up with the shit that Hidan had to put up with.

The only part of the day that Hidan looked forward to now was the night, because he could get drunk of his ass (Favorite part of everyone's day, let's be honest). It's when Hidan and every other member left there past behind, and just became piss-poor drunk except for Itachi, (because Uchiha fucking Itachi does not get drunk). Everyone was here today, and Hidan could imagine how that would go. Deidara, the fucked-up fruitcake that he is, would be fucking Tobi in the corner. Zetsu, the creepy asspirate that he was, would be fucking Kazuku in the opposite corner, (goddammit, Hidan hated corners). Konan, Sasori and himself would be getting so smashed, that one time Sasori had to actually dismantled himself to clear his system of alcohol. Pein would take like one fucking drink, and then pass out in the corner, coincidentally one of the corners that either the Rabid Fucking Bunnies, or the Dipshit Duo would be doing it in, (Made for great breakfast conversations, Hidan never failed to be amused by Pein's low tolerance for alcohol.). Kisame, being a freaky fucking fish, could not get drunk, and therefore he and Itachi were charged with making sure everyone got to their rooms alright.

Hidan needed a drink, badly. He hated living with this weird-ass group of people. Moving towards the Living room where the bar was, Hidan soon met up with both Kisame and Itachi,(His favorite fucking people...hooray). Together they made there way to the designated drinking area, not once speaking a word. A few times, Kisame had tried to strike up small talk, only to be shot down by either Itachi or Hidan. Right before they reached the room, Itachi and Hidan locked eyes yet again, (Seriously, Hidan knew that they had been doing that much more recently lately). Suddenly Itachi broke contact smirking, opening the door to let both Kisame and Hidan in leaving Hidan to fume,(Hidan was a man dammit! He didn't need a man more feminine looking than him treating him like a fucking princess!). Entering the room, Hidan noted the fact that Dipshit Duo were already making out in the corner, while the Rabid Fucking Bunnies were nowhere to be seen. He heard Kisame make a sound of glee, for that was one less mind-scarring experience for him. Grabbing a drink, Hidan sat next to Konan and Sasori on the couch as they told stories about before they became missing-nin. Hidan didn't know that Konan used to be a stripper. He wondered how much money he would have to pay her before she'd let him fuck her.

Taking another look around, Hidan say Pein nursing a sake, another bottle lied next to him empty. It was about fucking time that the man learned how to hold his liquor. Pein had this real crazed look on his face, like he just fucked his mother or his pet had just been run over by a horse-drawn carriage. Fuck. Hidan was definitely buzzed if he was making those fucked up analogies. Looking around he saw Kisame and Itachi looking at Pein, with rather displeased expressions, (Surely they weren't pouting? Uchiha fucking Itachi does not pout.). After finishing his fifth drink, Hidan moved over to Pein.

As he reached Pein, Hidan heard him mumbling. Catching somethings that made him cringe, Hidan took another good look at the leader of the Akatsuki. He was unshaven and he looked like he hadn't taken a shower in a fucking month. His eyes were out of focus and as soon as he saw Hidan, his face screwed itself into a twisted smile. To say it plainly, the man looked like Hell chewed him up, spit him out, and fucked him in the ass.

"Ah-hic Hidan. It's so-hic, nice to see you a-hic,gain. I need your-hic help." Pein said, draping an arm around the immortal. Pein looked excited to see him, because he pulled Hidan down and began to whisper into his ear. A shit eating grin appeared on Hidan's face as he listened to Pein's plea and a hilarious plan already formed in his oh so brilliant head. As he whispered something into Pein's ear, Hidan noticed how half of the eyes were now on them, (Obviously Deidara and Tobi had better things to do). Both Kisame and Itachi looked very cautious of the two men, (Those two were always cautious when the Jashinist was involved.). As Hidan started to finish telling Pein his plan, he watched the man's face change from one of grief, to one of hope and delight, (He was like a puppy, a lethal, terror-inspiring puppy.). Right when Hidan ended his very...interesting plan, Pein shamelessly ran off, calling to the man who had caused his grief. Hidan wanted some fucking popcorn to enjoy while he watched, what was sure to be an entertaining show.

"HEY-hic, KISAME~!!! YOU HAVE A-hic MIGHTY BIG SWORD! WANNA-hic, SEE ONE THATS BIGGER??"Pein shouted flinging himself onto Kisame and gesturing towards his fun-time sack. If someone walked into the Akatsuki base, they would lose any respect that they had held for the terrorist group. One would see Sasori, with his head removed from his body, because he laughed so hard, Konan, who had passed out from and, lack of oxygen, because she as well laughed her ass off, (Though not literally like Sasori.), and Hidan, who was smirking like the cat who caught the canary. Even Deidara and Tobi had deemed this an un-fucking-believable sight before them, and stopped fucking to watch, (Which was saying something, despite the fact that they went right back to screwing in the corner a minute later.).

When Hidan spared a glance towards Itachi, he saw the younger man blink. Fucking blink. That was the only emotion that Pein asking Kisame to fuck him invoked? Fucking bastard. Looking at Kisame, who still had Pein draped over him, Hidan saw his face paler than goddamned ghost, and his body stiffer than a wall. Seeing that the fact that Pein's hopes might be dashed, Hidan made his way over to the duo. He would not let his entertainment die. Before he got there, Pein decided to speak again.

"WHAT'S-hic, WRONG KISAME? DO YOU NOT-hic, LIKE ME? DO YOU THINK-hic, THAT I'M-hic, UGLY?? WAHHHHHHHHH-hic, KISAME IS SO MEAN!!" Pein shouted as his eyes teared up and he gave Kisame the look, (You know the look, the one that made someone look so cute and fuckable?). Hidan stopped mid-step, his eyes flicking over to Kisame's face, which actually went paler than it was before, (Hidan didn't even know that was fucking possible.). Deciding that it was time for his part, Hidan closed the distance between him and the clearly unhappy man.

"Now, now Leader, I'm sure that Kisame thinks that you are actually beautiful, so shit-stoppingly beautiful, that he can't even express how completely awe-struck he is at you very presence, eh Fishboy?" Hidan said, elbowing Kisame in the stomach while moving his eyebrows up and down suggestively. That seemed to snap Kisame out of his daze, because he suddenly started blinking and flinching uncontrollably. Somehow, Pein took this as an agreement to what Hidan had said a started to yell about his joy to...well everyone.

"SO YOU REALLY-hic, LIKE ME KISAME? LOVE ME YOU SEXY-hic, BASTARD!!" Pein shouted as he crushed his lips to Kisame's. Kisame seemed to freeze up all over again. Seeing that Pein would not be able to go any farther than this without any help, Hidan rose to the challenge and grabbed Kisame's ass, (Dear Jashin, please purify my hand from that indecent exposure, it was for the greater good.). Kisame gasped at the contact, and Pein took that as a chance to...explore. Hidan quickly wiped his hand on the closest 'pure' substance, (Read: somewhere far, far away from him crazy-ass boss.), which coincidentally was Itachi's cloak. Itachi merely cocked, (Hidan was so drunk that he laughed when he thought that), an eyebrow at him and allowed him to wipe the shit off of his hand. A second later Hidan heard a moan. Then all of a sudden, Pein passed out.

Hidan couldn't fucking believe it. He knew that one day, Pein's inability to hold his alcohol would lead to his downfall. Kisame, who looked rather frazzled, looked at the limp body on top of him, with a puzzled stare. Hidan sighed. That guy was fucking hopeless. Did he not know what the fuck he was supposed to do with him now? Deciding that he was much nicer when drunk, Hidan lent his help to the Fishboy.

"Yo, Scaley. Probably a good idea to take the ass-tard to his room. Unless you want to bring him to your room to-"Hidan choked on his breath, when Kisame punched him in the stomach. Obviously not a good way to help. Hidan knelt over, an odd feeling rising in his gut. Oh wait, he was just about to- and he did throw up. Just after Hidan threw up, Kisame's mind registered what exactly he has said, and he automatically started moving towards Pein's room, (Hidan knew it was Pein's room, because Kisame's room was on the other side of the compound. No Hidan was not a stalker.) Quickly getting up, Hidan made his way to his room, declining Itachi's smug offer of help. He just wanted to sleep the day away

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The next morning at breakfast, Hidan was silently eating a bowl of cereal, (It rocked being immortal, there was no such thing as a hangover.), when both Kisame and Pein came down to eat. In only their boxers, Holding fucking hands. Taking a bigger bite of cereal, Hidan smirked. At least he knew how that turned out. But before Hidan could think anymore, his harmless little bowl of cereal blew up in his goddamned face. That little blonde ass-hat better watch his step. Glancing back, Hidan realized that the fish-man-thing, and the pierced man, were truly happy. Groaning, Hidan couldn't help but let a thought wander into his head. One thing was for sure, he should really start charging people for help now.

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**A/N: **Just want to thank everyone for visiting this fic. There has been quite a few of you. Special thanks to those who reviewed. I'd like to say sorry to elric0sis, and Lolerskatez I had special plans for Kisame as you can see, and I didn't want to give up this plot. Well Happy New Years everybody. Please leave any comments, praise or flames. Au Revoir.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. If I did, all the Akatsuki would be alive, (Can anyone give me a hell yeah?).

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Hidan really hated his fucking life. Not even kidding. He hated those fucking (Literally here.) teammates of his. Pein had been on his ass recently, because Kisame was pissed at him about the whole Drunken-Sword fiasco. Kisame, being the blue-ass bitch that he is, refused to take part in his and Pein's nightly rituals, unless Hidan was punished. So now Hidan had to do the most fucked up missions ever. Hidan had done the most eclectic collection of missions, from an assassination of a Land of Wind lord, to brushing the fur of Tobi's pet gerbils with his toothbrush. Hidan had do deal with this shit, and the fucking explosions from Barbie doll, plus Kazuku was starting to tax him for everything that 'he' blew up! Those fucking assholes were a thorn in his ass.

The only sane people in the Akatsuki these days were, Konan, Sasori, Itachi and himself, (Those were the sane people? Jashin please just kill me now.). Apparently they were all such a buzz kill that Pein sent them all on a mission to Wave country, (So maybe Itachi walked in on them, why did Pein have to punish all of them? Or maybe it was because Konan drank all of the sake? Maybe it was because Sasori tried to take apart Kisame, so that he could make a puppet like him? Hidan was pretty sure that Pein just wanted to fuck with him, and that's why he was sent.). It wasn't even really a mission, just 'Your pissing me off, so get the fuck out of here for a while'. Seriously, that is what the scroll said. Pein never even told them when they should come back. If they were ever supposed to come back. Slowly, the Akatsuki's plans were beginning to fade away, becoming replaced with just fucking the hell out each other.

Looking at his companions, Hidan couldn't help but let a sigh escape him. He couldn't stand any of the people here, (except for Sasori and Konan when they were drunk, which they couldn't do because the had to 'keep their guard up' the entire time. Fucking Uchiha and his fucking rules. Just because he didn't drink, didn't mean that they should suffer.). They had really been doing absolutely nothing since they got to Wave. They arrived at this crappy village, where all of the villagers ran at the sight of them. Hidan was almost certain that they didn't even know about the Akatsuki, so he didn't know why Itachi was so paranoid. This place was so fucking miserable too. That big-ass bridge wasn't easy on the eyes either.

All they had done since they got to this fucked up place was camp outside of the village, and only went into the village when they needed supplies. Hidan now knew for sure that he hated vines. They all had these fucking thorns that would only get fucking stuck in his fucking cloak. That didn't matter right now, he was gonna be free of that Jashin damned cloak, (Not in a perverted way though). Konan had suggested that they all go swimming to ease their boredom, (and what a shit-load of boring that was). Hidan quickly changed into his bathing suit, and left to join the others by the lake they found earlier.

As Hidan made his way to the lake, a hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. Instantly unsheathing a kunai, Hidan pressed it against the neck of the stranger. A low chuckle let him know his attacker was.

"Dammit Sasori, you fucking bastard! You nearly gave me a fucking heart attack. Why can't you just act like a normal person and just yell for me?"Hidan said removing the kunai from Sasori's neck. Looking at the man-puppet, Hidan saw that he too was wearing a bathing suit, (Only he looked like a creep fuck in his, and Hidan looked sexy, goddamn sexy. Don't be hating.).

"I need your help." Sasori said, his hand never leaving Hidan's wrist. Hidan briefly wondered what Sasori could possibly need his help for, before his brain supplied the answer. Chuckling to himself, Hidan let his mind wander to Sasori's 'problem'. It was pretty fucking obvious to anyone with half a brain, (Read: Itachi, Hidan, Pein and Kisame, more commonly known as the Screwing Moaners, because those two were fucking loud man!), that Sasori had a crush on the bitchiest member of the Akatsuki, (No not Deidara.) Konan. What a load of bitch she was too. She once tore up all of Hidan's cloaks, just because he asked her if she gained weight. It was obvious that Sasori loved her, because of the way he looked at her, like she was worth his time.

It was pretty obvious that Konan enjoyed Sasori's company, and often went talked to him, drunk or sober. Hidan didn't really think that they would make a good couple,(Both were way to high strung.), but he was bored and sober. That made for a deadly combination. Even so, only one thought went through Hidan's head.

"It'll cost you. I'm done with freebies." Hidan said to Sasori, a smirk dancing on his lips, and an idea firm in his head. Sasori merely raised an eyebrow, surprised that they Jashinist had figured him out so soon. Perhaps he had been a bit obvious...

"I'll pay Kazuku for you the next time he taxes you." Sasori offered in a monotone, no emotion on his face, though Hidan knew that he was anxious. Who wouldn't be? Thinking over the proposition, Hidan eventually nodded his head in approval, and at this Sasori let go of Hidan's wrist. While rubbing his wrist, Hidan couldn't help but think about his recent decisions. Where was the man who would kill anything that asked a thing of him? Next thing you know Hidan would become a bigger pansy than Tobi, (Now that was just fucking impossible), or weaker, (Still impossible.), than the little dickweed. After telling the puppet that he had a plan and shouldn't worry, both of them parted ways, knowing that being seen together would not be the best idea.

After reaching the lake, Hidan examined the land, and his companions. Konan was already in the water, wearing a very skimpy bathing suit. That was the one thing that Hidan could understand about Sasori's crush. Konan had a kick-ass body. Glancing towards the other member of the Akatsuki who wasn't fucking someone, Hidan saw that he was not wearing a bathing suit, and sitting down near a tree. He knew that Itachi would not go anywhere near the water, (Uchiha fucking Itachi does not swim.). Feeling a presence behind him, Hidan motioned for Sasori to head into the water. Once in the water, Konan struck up a conversation with Sasori. Those two were kinda cute together, (also deadly, sadistic, vengeful, powerful, and fucking annoying.).

Taking a deep breath, Hidan started running and jumped into the lake with a large splash. Water went everywhere, completely covering the shy lovebirds. Finally coming up from below the water, Konan and Sasori looked a little worse for wear, especially Konan. The top of her bikini had come a little loose due to the splash, and her face was much more red than blood coming from an open wound. It seemed as if she was frozen in embarrassment, since even Itachi was watching her. Sasori looked bewildered, so Hidan gestured to him what he should do. Finally taking the hint, Sasori moved towards Konan.

"Here, let me get that for you." Sasori quietly said, moving his hands towards Konan's chest and tightening the strings of the suit. His face was about as red as hers now, and it looked as if Konan was way to mortified to speak. Eventually she managed to squeak out a 'thanks', but at that Hidan frowned. It seemed that they needed more help than he originally though, (Was it wrong to think that they would start fucking in the water after that?). Forming the hand signs, Hidan executed a water movement jutsu, that pushed Konan under the water, and kept her there. Sasori blinked before diving down to retrieve her, and when the both reached the surface of the water he administered first aid to the origami specialist.

Blinking, Konan awoke feeling as if she had been tackled by a thousand ninjas. Soon she realized that Sasori was, (what seemed to her as,) kissing her, Konan began to respond. Soon they became much more heated and embraced each other closer and closer. At Itachi's cough, the two blushed and separated. As if they were the same person, they both turned to glare at Hidan, who was smirking at the pair. At their Glare of Doom though, Hidan frowned and started to worry. Before he could blink, Hidan found himself under the water and he heard the sound of a transportation jutsu being used.

Hidan couldn't fucking believe it! That was the thanks that he got for helping the man and women hook up? Fuck that 'helping people' shit, next time someone asked Hidan for help he would skewer them, and roast their body, (Maybe that was taking it to far?).Quickly trying to get himself to the top of the water, (Immortality didn't cover fucking drowning.), Hidan felt arms wrap around him and lead him to the surface. Turning to see who helped him, Hidan saw Itachi soaked, his cloak dripping with water. Lightly blushing and muttering a 'thank you', Hidan turned away cursing up a storm, not noticing the smirk on Itachi's face. Fucking Uchiha! Hidan would never be able to live that down. Trying to put that incident out of his head, Hidan let his mind tackle the problem at hand. How to get Sasori and Konan back.

* * *

**A/N:** So there's another chapter down. This was my attempt at writing a little more serious couple, but that kinda failed. There is just not a lot about this pairing I could do. Has anyone else noticed how these pairings are utter crack? Anyways thanks to everyone who has reviewed and favorited this fic. Can you believe that this fic has had more than 150 hits? One more chapter to go and then it's done. Might take a while for the next chapter because school starts again soon, but it will be up soon. Till we meet again, Hasta luego.


	5. Payback's a bitch, yeah?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, because if I did there would be a whole lot more of Neji. He's too pretty to be seen so little :P

* * *

Kazuku smirked looking around the room. He saw Deidara, throwing a piece of clay up in the air, and looking utterly bored while doing so. Not bored per say, more like...murderous, like at any moment he was going to kill anyone else in the room. The blond man would not let Tobi come, so he had come in his place. Shuddering slightly, Kazuku turned his head and studied another member of the room, Kisame. The swordsman looked slightly out of place, and it seemed as if there was a scowl forming on his face. Ever since Kisame had gotten together with the Leader, Kisame had mellowed out, but now he seemed as if he was starting to lose it. Hoping that he could keep it together, Kazuku turned to the last person in the room who coincidentally was the last victim, Konan. She was sitting against one of the walls, a disinterested look on her face, though he knew if she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have come. Deciding to start this, before the others ended it, Kazuku started to speak.

"My fellow teammates, all of us have been wronged in one way or another, by the man we are forced to call an ally. Of course, I am talking about that brute, Hidan. This man has humiliated each and every one of us in front of our peers, and while good results came out of it, I still believe that a little...payback is needed. So this is why I have asked you all to come here today. Who is with me?" All around the room, the gathered members of the Akatsuki had similar smirks.

* * *

Hidan just blinked. Fucking blinked. Dammit he was becoming a fucking Uchiha. Seriously though, what else could he do in this fucked up situation? He had just been minding his own goddamned business, when all of a sudden Kazuku and Konan showed up out of nowhere and told him that the Leader needed to see him right now. So while he was hauling ass to Pein's office, something had knocked him out, and he woke up in some place he didn't fucking know, with his hand tied together by chakra restraints, (Coincidentally, Hidan felt like a hooker. He hadn't felt like that in years.).His cloak was also discarded, but his T-shirt and pants were still on his body, (His super fucking hot body if you asked him.). Searching around Hidan saw no one else. He was alone now. Hearing a groan Hidan tried to turn his head, but felt that he couldn't. Someone had snapped his fucking neck! He was, tied together, hurt, and pissed off. Next time he saw Konan and Kazuku, he was going to fucking strangle them. Hidan sighed. All he could do is for someone else to find him. He was semi-alone, because he couldn't fucking see who was in the Jashin forsaken room with him! Maybe when that person woke up, he would get them the fuck out of there? Just thinking about that put Hidan in a better mood. Well, as good as his fucking mood could get under these shitty circumstances. All he could do now, was wait...

* * *

Itachi was confused, a shocking experience for him. Usually he was the one in control, the one who manipulated everyone else, but now... Itachi had just been walking, (others call it stalking.), down the hallway leading to his room after returning from a tricky mission near Fire country. He wasn't detected, but there was a few close calls with some of Orochimaru's lackeys. Some of his blood was shed, though his injuries were only minor, but he was tired and wanted to rest. As he was walking, (stalking), he ran into Kisame. His partner was one who respected for his talents and intellect, but even he was too out of it to care about whatever problem he had now. Itachi had the utmost respect for both Pein and Kisame, (probably the only members he did respect), but he really didn't want to know about their...activities.

Resuming his previous train of thought, Itachi reflected on how devious the blue-man looked as he was walking down the hall. He looked as if Pein had finally given in to his request that alcohol be banned from the headquarters, even though everyone knew that would never happen, (All of the members loved to drink, far to much). Kisame actually stopped halfway through the hallway, as gazed around, as if looking for something. This peculiar behavior roused Itachi's curiosity, Kisame always had a reason. Usually.

Suddenly, something bumped into Itachi. Now that had worried Itachi, because he had not felt the presence approach him. Turning to see what it was, Itachi didn't know whether to be glad, or curse his god awful luck when he saw Deidara. The blond man kept on walking as if nothing had happened, and Itachi could only guess that the man was very distracted. Normally he avoided the Uchiha. Something caught Itachi's attention soon enough, a smell, Looking to see what it was, Itachi saw one of Deidara's bug-sculptures crawling down his cloak. Itachi's dark eyes widened, and a large blast was heard soon after. Slowly walking over to the smaller man, Kisame pulled Itachi over his shoulders, and started to walk away.

* * *

Kisame adjusted the lucid Itachi on his back. Letting a sigh out, Kisame couldn't believe he let it come to this. Sure he was pissed off at Hidan too, but that didn't mean they had to include his partner. Itachi, although he too had his fair share of enemies in the Akatsuki, (Itachi should learn that ignoring people, is not a way to make friends.) didn't deserve the hell that they were going to put him through.

"WE GOT HIM, YEAH!" Deidara shouted jumping out in front of Kisame. Kisame didn't flinch, but motioned for the blond to quiet down. Out of possibly all of them, Deidara wanted to screw with Hidan's life the most. Kisame still chuckled when he thought of Deidara getting all bothered by a statue of Tobi naked. At the meeting hours early, Deidara had multiple plans he offered for revenge. A few were, stripping Hidan naked and lowering into burning hot chocolate sauce, breaking Hidan's scythe in front of his eyes, and making him watch Kazuku and Zetsu getting it on, (He was severely beaten for that one. Kisame was amazed that Deidara wasn't limping at the moment.)

"Yes, we got Itachi. Did the others grab Hidan?" Kisame asked, glancing at the shorter man. Deidara started to shake his head so hard, that Kisame thought (wished) it would fall off. Cackling slightly, Deidara led Kisame to the other members of their little revenge scheme. Kisame scowled somewhat, knowing that this would have been much easier if Kazuku asked everyone in the Akatsuki to help. When both Konan and himself had asked that, (Deidara was to busy coming up with more horrible plans.), Kazuku just said this was a personal thing. That made no sense though because everyone had a vendetta towards Hidan. Kisame supposed it didn't matter, either way he would get his revenge. Smirking, Kisame adjusted Itachi again, and increased his pace to the others.

* * *

Itachi slowly opened his eyes, tensing as he felt himself lying down on the ground. Relying on his ANBU training, Itachi automatically jumped to his feet, eyes whirling around the small room he was trapped inside. His eyes rested on Hidan's limped body, and in an instant he was at the man's side feeling for a pulse. Finding one, he allowed himself to calm down slightly. Itachi knew that he had to still be inside the Akatsuki compound, (Why? Because of his super-ninja powers!), so no real danger was in store for them. That didn't mean much though, the Akatsuki had very different thoughts about danger, than he had. Standing up again, Itachi saw a handwritten note on the ground. Reading it through, Itachi's face turned into a smirk. This would be, dare he say it....fun.

* * *

Hidan woke up from his nap, disoriented and sore. His neck still hurt, and his hands were uncomfortable in the binds. Trying to rotate his fucked up neck Hidan let a moan out. Shit, that felt so good. After he moaned, Hidan heard a soft chuckle, (A creepy-ass chuckle, like a grade-A creeper. Like that man should be put in jail for such a sexy-creepy! Not sexy creepy, chuckle.).

"Who's there? Who the fuck is there?! Show yourself your fucking coward! Get your pansy ass out here!" Hidan screamed, trying to move so that he could see who was there. Another low chuckle was heard, (A CREEPY ONE!), and Hidan saw Itachi come into his peripheral vision. Jashin must have really wanted to fuck with Hidan's life today, if he was doomed to spend time locked in a room with that fucking Uchiha. Briefly, Hidan wondered if Itachi would untie him, but he knew that would never happen in this shitty-ass, fucked up world, (Why, might you ask? There is a reason for this, quite simply Uchiha fucking does not touch people.) As Hidan fiddled with his bindings, uncomfortable with being in such an inclosed space with the Uchiha, (He still hadn't forgot what the hell went down in Water Country.), another chuckle was heard from Itachi.

"Pansy ass?" Itachi said in a low voice, an eyebrow raised. Hidan couldn't help but feel embarrassed, and cursed when he felt his face heat up. Looking sown towards his feet, Hidan started to try and untangle his wrists form the handcuffs yet again, but to no avail. He really fucking hated those things! Glaring at them, trying to burn a hole through them, which would make him free of this horrible dream, (Hidan hoped to fucking god it was a dream, real life was fucked up enough with his dipshit teammates.), Hidan noticed that Itachi was crouched down right next to him. The sharingan man gently took his wrist in hand and started to fiddle with the binds.

"W-What the fuck do you think your doing, Uchiha? G-Get the hell away you-you goddamned freak!" Hidan screamed, his face an explosion of color. Hidan cursed himself for stuttering, (It was a show of weakness. And there was no way he was weak. Like Tobi.), and struggled to break the younger man's grip. If anything, this just mad Itachi's grip tighter.

"I'm trying to unhook you wrists. Please stop struggling Hidan, or I'll make you" Itachi said, his voice as soft as velvet. Hidan shuddered when he heard the control that the red-eyed man possessed in his voice. Hidan stopped moving, (He would die if Itachi was forced to restrain him. That would be so fucking weird and strange.), and wondered yet again what he had gotten his fucking self into. Uchiha fucking Itachi was touching him, that wasn't supposed to fucking happen! Suddenly, Itachi's hands stopped, and he stared down at Hidan. A questioning look on Hidan's face, as he too peered upwards at Itachi.

"That's not true you know," Itachi said, his hand moving to Hidan's shoulder. Hidan gasped a little at the much more intimate contact. Who the fuck did Itachi think he was? Hidan started wiggling, but Itachi's hand effectively stopped him, the other hand moving to hold right underneath Hidan's chin. Hidan's breathing sped up, and Itachi smirked and started to speak yet again. "You're wrong, Hidan. I do have emotions, I feel them when I watched you," At this, Itachi moved closer and bit the Jashinist's ear. Hidan barely smothered a moan at the action, but Itachi wasn't done talking. "I do in fact pout, but only, when someone denies me the pleasure of being with you." At each phrase, Itachi weaved his hands through Hidan's silky smooth locks. Hidan wondered if in fact he was dreaming, because it felt so unreal. Itachi still had more to say though. "I do get drunk, but only when I look into you lovely wine-colored eyes. If I didn't know how to swim-and I do know how to swim-, I would surely drown in such deep eyes." Itachi moved his hand away from Hidan's shoulder, and up to cradle his face, his fingers tracing Hidan's cheek bones. Keeping one of the hands on Hidan's face, Itachi moved the other to Hidan's lower back, and started to speak again this time in a murmur. "And yet another thing you don't know Hidan, is that I love to touch things. Mostly, you." At these words, Itachi crashed his lips to the immortal's frozen ones. Hidan just kinda stared.

No way. There was absolutely no fucking way that Uchiha fucking Itachi had just confessed to Hidan, the uncouth, masochistic man. It was just so...good. Mmhm. Hidan had never felt like this, sorta like he was walking on air. Finally making up his mind, he started to move his lips against Itachi's. This seemed to be the okay for Itachi, as yet again his hands started to move...

* * *

"You think their done, yeah?" Deidara asked his head pressed up against the door, trying to hear any sounds coming from the room. Konan didn't know why the terrorist was doing such a thing, because she knew that he knew that the walls were soundproof. Konan sighed, and thought about what the hell she just participated in. She wasn't really all that mad at Hidan, she just went along with it, because she wanted to hook those two up. They would make the cutest couple!! Not cuter than her and Saso-chan, but cute enough! There was no doubt in her mind that Itachi had taken complete control of the situation they had dealt to him. Konan stood up straight,feeling it was time to let the others out of that room-prison. Moving forward, and unlocking the doors, Konan heard a click before turning back to the group. A few minutes later, Itachi and Hidan slowly moved out of the room, (Well, Hidan moved slowly, but Konan could only imagine why that was.), looking rumpled and shaken up. Hidan was still wearing the handcuffs, which looked worse for wear. Itachi's arm was slung around Hidan's shoulders, and for once it seemed that both of them had legitimate smiles on their faces, not a smirk, or a grin. Both looked truly happy and jubilant.

Before any of the avengers (Not Sasuke) could say something, Itachi and Hidan made to leave heading towards Itachi's room, (Looked like Konan was just as good as Hidan in the whole hooking people up thing! What now, bitch?). As he was turning, Konan saw Itachi nod to the sculptor while Deidara grinned back, before Hidan started tugging on Itachi's arm leading him away, (Now that was a super fine couple! Talk about sexy time!) When they had left their view, the rag-tag group dismembered and Kazuku and Kisame went their separate ways. Turning towards Deidara, Konan had only one thing to say.

"What was that about Dei-kun?" Konan asked, fluttering her eyelids to appear innocent. Deidara only held up a finger to his lips, winking. After that he left as well. A piece of paper rolled out of the now opened door, landing directly at Konan's feet. Giving it a once over, Konan smirked, the same smirk that Itachi had shown hours ago. Well, Deidara had balls, Konan could say that.

_Yo ' Tachi-san,_

_As an early birthday present, or a really, really, really, really, really, late birthday present, we decided to get you a Hidan all wrapped up x3. Have fun unwrapping all the goodies that lie there. Try and make it hurt, he's a total masochist, (He hangs out with Kazuku!!!) Anyways you owe me big time, so you could, y'know make sure that Hidan doesn't interrupt me and Tobi time mkay? He always just busts in....It makes Tobi all jittery, (and not the good kind :D). Well, well, well have lots of fun times, (I remember Tobi and my first time....mmhm memories), with your new toy. Thank me later._

_Bye~_

_Deidara ;)_

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**A/N:**Alrighty, everyone this is the end of this....does this even count as a story? Anyways, It's been a fun ride, and I'd like to thank Lolerskatez, CuteLikeMomiji, elric0sis, and darkaquarian96 for reviewing. Also, CuteLikeMomiji, darkaquarian96, elric0sis, hate2lovelife, SilverWolfStar, star-pidgeon, and Zero Sense of Justice for favoriting this fanfic. That's saying something since it's not that great -_-; Please take the time to head to my profile and take my poll. Or answer in a review. Should I do a Sai's Dating Service, or a Gai's Dating Service? Both are formed semi-formed in my head, but I'd like some help on what to do next. Thanks for your time. Peace out!


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